All relationships take work, dedication, and commitment to making it work. In this article, I will be sharing ten things that are needed to make a relationship work. While there are many other areas in a relationship or marriage that are important in keeping the marriage healthy, fulfilling, and to continue growing. It is important to understand that all marriages undergo different phases and during each phases of life both will need to become committed to adapt and grow together. In this article, I am sharing 10 tips that are needed to make the relationship a healthy and thriving one.

Making God First in the Relationship

1. Making God First in the Relationship As believers and followers of Jesus Christ we are to make him first in our lives according to Mark 12:30 which states “And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all of your strength.” The word love in this verse is derivative from the Greek word “Agape” which means that loving someone is a choice and as result we choose to act on that love. Therefore, choosing to love God first means that we are making a decision to make Him the center of our lives. Making God the priority in the relationship is so essential because it helps build a solid foundation in the relationship. Following God’s instruction for the marriage helps each partner stay grounded, focused and committed to the relationship. This helps the couple not lose faith or hope during crisis, and able to agree in working together when conflicts arise. Why is having God first a priority? Because by having God first you will be demonstrating behaviors that are Christ like and this means that you will respect the person because you want your marriage to glorify God. Making God first entails that the couple adapts to a mutual understanding of each partner’s role in the relationship or marriage, according to Godly principles. Both will need to submit to each other as one and by staying committed to learning about each other as the relationship continues to grow in each phase of the relationship.

Attention

2. Attention this is one of the areas that is least talked about, which many relationships fail at. Lack of attention results in the marriage breakup and most end up divorcing due to boredom. If there is no balance of attention the relationship or marriage will struggle, break apart or experience one partner seeking attention elsewhere. Attention should be an everyday thing by sharing about your day, your thoughts, your experiences. Your partner should be your confidant and best friend by both providing a safe environment with mutual attention where you can communicate your wants, needs, feelings and everyday happenings. This is more effective in keeping the relationship cohesive than many other romantic gestures, dinners etc. It allows more shared time to build intimacy by creating moments of appreciation towards each other and knowing how to plan the time from your busy schedules to come together as a couple.

Respect

3. Respect NO ONE wants to be a relationship in which you are not valued or respected. Respect is of utmost priority because without it you will not be able to build a mutual bond trust. Respect is necessary because it also affects how the person views the marriage and their ability to be vested in contributing to making the relationship or marriage work. Lack of respect creates resentments, arguments, conflicts and the communications goes out the window. It is usually a sign that the relationship or marriage is struggling and that may end in divorce. Divorce statistics have demonstrated that 55% of divorcing couples cited infidelity as the reason their marriage failed. When respect, commitment and loyalty is missing the marriage does not survive as one or the other strays looking for fulfillment. In short respect allows the freedom for the relationship to grow in love and in God’s grace. Thus, preventing any deception, by respectfully guarding each other’s heart.

Shared Values

4. Shared values is discussing your shared values, attitudes, interests, and traditions openly. This provides a perspective to the other individual on what you care most deeply about and how it reflects on your life. What you bring to the table in terms of your attitude, stances, and opinions about yourself and your view on dating or marriage. It is important during the getting to know phase to know what the person is all about. While you may not be fully aligned with all the same values, attitudes, and interests that the person has. You may, however, match with other commonalities that will make the relationship work, because differences also add balance to the relationship or marriage. Shared values allow you to agree to disagree with each other because you will respect the other partner’s perspectives and how he or she views life. It also helps each person maintain their own hobbies, interest and likes without compromising them. Without having to worry that the other person may not like you, but coming together in acknowledgment that even though you have many interest alike there other things that you enjoy doing alone, as long as you then come together to spend the quality time with each other on things you enjoy doing together.

Know Your Love Languages

5. Know your love languages. There are 5 love languages that couples identify with based on Gary Chapman’s theory on how individuals express and demonstrate love. It is important to understand how people demonstrate emotional love and connection to each other. How it helps to know how each one communicates love to the other partner as well as receive it. What works for you may not work for your partner. Therefore, evaluating how the person receives and experiences love differently than you. Knowing the person’s love language will help you understand when they feel validated, appreciated, and loved. The 5 Love languages are: Word of affirmation, Quality time, Receiving gifts, Acts of services, and Physical touch. Learning what your partner identifies as their love language helps the other partner reciprocate effectively what makes them feel valued, respected and loved. Learning your love language will not only help you by feeling fulfilled in the relationship but also allows a greater understanding of the person’s ability to reciprocate love once they know how to give it back in the form that the other person likes to receive. And how it makes them feel validated according to their love language. For example; not everyone likes to receive gifts all the time, and they may identify more with spending more quality time together. Hint a couple who understand each other well, will be able to pick up what the other person like and dislike and learn to adapt to responding in the manner that his or hers partner feels appreciated.

Fight Fair

6. Fight Fair Is there a right way to fight? Yes, first, it is normal to express emotions like anger, sadness, disagreements, or conflicts. Now the way that each partner reacts determines if it is fair or not and if both can find a happy medium or resolution. For example, there has to be mutual agreement to fight fairly and that it is each person's responsibility to own up to their own feelings, reaction, action, and remediation. This prevents us from being manipulated or controlled by the other individual. Therefore, boundaries are set a standard that need to be agreed upon early in the relationship. Boundaries delineates what behaviors you will or will not allowed or put up with in a dating relationship, marriage or during disagreements. One great recommendation is from John Gottman who recommends solving the solvable problems first through communicating respectfully by using “I” statement. Criticizing the unnecessary behavior not the person. He also recommends taking breaks in between if the fight is too heated, then coming back to revisit the issues when ready to find a mutually agreed upon resolution. Fighting fair is a skill much needed in relationships and marriage as the divorce statistics shows that 56% of divorcing couples blamed the arguing as a reason for divorce.

Give 100%

7. Giving 100% is necessary in relationship and in marriage. A few years back, it was believed and encouraged that each partner give 50% each to marriage which then added to 100%. But due to the high rates of divorces therapist started noticing that giving 50/50 was no productive in keeping marriages together. After some extensive research therapist realized and soon recommended 100% commitment to making it work in order to work on having a successful marriage. It’s not 80/20 formula either, because there will always be one partner that will be pulling the most weight of responsibility of the marriage, while the other one lacks effort in preserving the marriage. Shared responsibility will be expected for both to work on making a successful marriage and being open to honor the marriage as a partnership. It’s a give and take expected by each person. Knowing this firsthand prevents future disappointments later on in the marriage as some individuals may not be prepared to give their 100% because of many reasons, one that stands out is immaturity or selfish personality. Marriage is a partnership that requires two people in it for the haul not until I don’t feel like giving my 100%.

Commitment to the Relationship

8. Committed to the relationship is the verbal contract that says I am in this through thick and thin. As long as it is not an abusive relationship or infidelity. The lack of commitment is a red flag at the start of any relationship. You must be wise to notice enough to notice the red flags and not ignore them. If there is no commitment from the get-go the relationship will not grow or result in marriage. Divorce Statistic proof that 73% of people stated that lack of commitment resulted in their divorce. This is why if you notice them early then, you know you probably should not be moving forward in the relationship because it will always show up as lack of commitment and stay as lack of commitment. The marriage will not change the person or make stay committed. According to Dr. John Gottman there are predictors of marriage success or failure. Contempt is the most influential in creating breakdown in relationships. Contempt is when a person develops a feeling or dislike of marriage and feels superior. As a result, the person feels less committed to making the marriage work and checks out of the relationship. Commitment in a relationship is the willingness to work on conflict resolution, fixing problems together, resolving disagreements. Agree to disagree, stay loyal, pay attention to the partner, being respectful, express appreciation, show love and commitment to working in the marriage together. Learning what commitment looks likes and what is not is important in detecting the red flags early on in the relationship.

Expressing Love and Appreciation

9. Expressing Love and appreciation, a relationship in which love, and appreciation is not demonstrated, lacks substance, growth, and a future. Your partner needs to feel love and appreciate just like you want to be loved and appreciated. It is an equal shared response of each person to demonstrate love and appreciation, based on the 5 love languages discussed prior. It doesn’t have to be elaborate to be effective and it can be as simple as leaving a note of appreciation, making breakfast, cleaning their cars, offering to assist with housework or cooking. Sometimes these things are more valuable than costly gifts or over-the-top gestures because they tend to be more meaningful. One way you can learn how to express appreciation is by always remembering your story, how you first started, when you first met and how you fell in love. Remembering your story will always keep you grounded in love and appreciation for each other. As the love grows the memories become more and more heartfelt and will bring you closeness as a couple.

Keeping Boundaries

10. Keeping boundaries is just as important as fighting fairly. Why are boundaries so important in dating and in marriage? Boundaries are a Godly responsibility that we all must keep and reciprocate. How does a person keep their boundaries? For one they must guard their heart, their mind, to act in maturity, and to have a respectful, stable, and committed relationship/marriage. Boundaries define and protect the way we love which also involves the capacity to connect and trust other individuals. Without boundaries the relationship and roles become distorted, allowing room for disrespect or abuse. Boundaries help keep each person in their lane of respect and allow open communication that allows self-expression without feeling like one or the other will overstepped the agreed upon boundaries. Boundaries are a safe space in which the person feels valued and respected. Boundaries are essential when resolving conflicts because it will help each person not react but respond to be able to reach an effective resolution.

Written by:
Claribel Coreano, MS. Transformational Life Coach

Images:
https://www.freepik.com

Sources:

1. Divorce Statistics (What Percentage of Marriages End In Divorce?) (btlfamilylaw.com)

2. Studying Marriage: Gottman’s Love Lab and the Four Horsemen of Divorce article By Travis Dixon, May 9, 2019, retrieved from https://www.themantic-education.com