Article posted on November 2023

Communication:

Lack of communication goes hand in hand with a lack of commitment, as one of the top contributors to divorce per divorce statistics. Relationships require commitment to be dedicated in working out areas of the relationship that need fixing. If there is no commitment, the communication lacks and the couple is set up for disaster. A research conducted by Tango.com in which they asked 100 Marriage Therapist to identify the factors leading to divorce and remarkably 65% stated communication problems at the top of the list, with 43% factor of inability to work together to resolve the conflicts or agree on a conflict resolution.  

We all know that communication in relationship can be challenging and difficult. Especially when both are not seeing eye to eye on things. We can’t just have one person expressing themselves verbally but shutting down the other person by not allowing them to express themselves in the same manger. For example; A person who has repeatedly have negative experience when advocating for themselves they are less likely to speak up in the relationship. Therefore, it is imperative that both create a safe environment for the person to feel secure in voicing his or her feelings. So that they will know when they need to speak up.

Another example is to become prepare before you speak by following these guidelines, to help you handle the conversation appropriately. 1. Ask yourself “when do I need to speak up? Am I avoiding a conversation? If so, why am I avoiding the conversation? Explore the feelings that it creates especially when it is a difficult conversation that you must bring to the open. This will help you manage the feelings and stay in control of your emotions. Know when to introduce the conversation by taking ownership by stating, “I have a question, or I would like to discuss ___with you.” Next state your concerns clearly, respectfully, on point and with compassion. www.https://www.betterup.com

Remember that communication is like playing tennis one hits the ball the other person responds and vice versa until both take equal turns in response and sending back. Another example; is one acts as the receiver, and the other is the responder and then vice versa. Effective listening skills is necessary and paraphrasing what the other person says validates what they are saying, in order to understand them correctly. It becomes a balancing effort of listening to be heard. For those who are struggling or have struggled in their past relationship with communication and in setting boundaries. These tools will help them to communicate more effectively with their partner.

The first thing that you would need in creating positive communication is to come together to discuss each other’s style of communication and to agree on how each one will be heard and validated. This will set the tone of how you will argue and fight fair to ensure that everyone is heard and also help find a common ground towards conflict resolution. This is also where respect is honored, and boundaries are respected between the two persons because both are in agreement to resolve conflicts respectfully.

The following are 4 ways to learn how to speak up in your relationship before it creates crisis in the relationship.

1. Coming together in clarity and open mindedness to accept each other as is. 

We all have different ways of communicating especially between a male and a female. It is also important to understand your partner’s style of expression and allow him or her to express them freely in a nonjudgmental environment. Ephesian’s 4:2-3 “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace.”

2. Discussing each other’s love language. 

This is also important because it allows you more insight on how your partner feel’s appreciated, what makes them feel validated in the relationship and feel loved. Knowing your partner’s love language helps you understand what they feel or need to feel loved, appreciated, and validated. Knowing how your partner likes to receive love provides a greater understanding of your partner as a whole.”

3. What expectations do they have about the relationship? 

Does it match yours? Do they exemplify your values, morals and do they want the same thing for the relationship. Shared values is knowing your individual differences, attitudes, commonalities and differences then coming together as one. This is a must know priority before entering into the relationship. You have to be in the same page as your partner and they must want the same thing. Because you don’t want to hear halfway through the relationship; “we don’t have many things in common” or “we don’t see things through same lens”. Learning how to compromise the differences between the shared values and accepting that you both don’t have to necessarily have all of them the same but agreeing on the top majority of the shared values that are non-negotiable. It’s like the saying “deal breaker” ones. Differences are healthy and a normal part of the relationship. It helps balance two different personalities and enhance each’s others differently.

4. Accountability

 how to show up and be present to assume your part in the relationship, disagreements and in finding resolutions to crisis. Commitment in a relationship is the willingness to work on conflicts resolution, fixing the problem together, resolving disagreements, and finding common ground even when you don’t meet eye to eye. The ultimate goal is to create a win-win solution. Keep in mind, that attention is needed in the relationships and not just on good days, but more so during the difficult times or when a partner is struggling and when they need it the most. Always equally across the board.

Article by: Claribel Coreano , MS. Transformational Life Coach

Images from: Freepix.com

Resources:

1. https://www.tango.com

2. https://www.betterup.com

3. Gottman, Ph.D., John M. The Marriage Clinic. A Scientifically-Based Marital Therapy. Published WW. Norton & Company, New York, London. (1999)